So it begins..

             So begins my ascent, into writing out my frantic over-the top-thoughts, and so begins my brain malfunctioning into a creative chaos slump. I am in the process of self improvement, so hopefully writing everything down will help speed that process up. I am not an optimistic person, in fact I am quite the opposite, although I wouldn't say being kind of a pessimistic person has brought negativity into my life. I would say it's more like; my life has been full of negativity, and this is my bodies form of adaption. Either way I am not an optimist or a pessimist; I'm just socially awkward.  We could get into the whole Nature vs Nurture argument, but it does make it's interesting points. Nature states that my personality is based on genetic predispositions, but by laws of nurture; the way you act stems from life experience, the way you were taught, and the environment in which you grew up. However, I cannot help, but believe both to be true. My mother, being both mentally ill and having addiction problems with alcohol, leads me to believe I may be predisposed to her condition. However, another part of me knows, my life and how I was raised, has a much more influence on how and why I am, the way I am. My mother isn't a loving person, nor is she a bad person. Although I cannot fully comprehend why she abuses alcohol, and sometimes I am lead to believe its her mental illness, and other times her unhappiness, but also a part deep down inside me feels as if I am the reason why. My grandfather wasn't a loving parent either, and I shouldn't use the war as an excuse for him, but he is also an avid drinker because of that. My grandfather was born in Puerto Rico, and came to this country an orphan who joined the U.S Army because the Brooklyn orphanage in New York deemed him an adult, and released him into the world with nothing. Maybe he took out his misery on my mother and her siblings, and in return my mother is taking it out on me? I am an adult though, and I no longer let my mother run and abuse my life. I have been living on my own since my senior year in high school. I have overcame a great deal, and that is why I am lead to believe; that the nurture I have received has made me the person, I am today. I have an ongoing joke within my own mind, that I sometimes say aloud creating small fragments of awkwardness in social situations, that my brain runs on a different frequency than the average woman. Yes, I lay my own insecurities on the table when I say this, but I don't have a filter for these things. I blurt things out; its my character flaw, I ruminate this quite frequently. I am lead to believe it is because I have been desensitized, in many of life's aspects, maybe because I wasn't loved or raised correctly? I cant blame my life's transgressions all upon my parents because, I am the one responsible for my own life. Where do I begin? My mind works a mile-a-minute....and I will stop here. I have made a sliver of progress in writing something not completely ineffective.

Another day, Another thought.